Calling all amateur Christmas drinkers!
Did you ever wonder why the barman appears to hate you? I mean what have you ever done to him? Is it really necessary for the bar staff to continually treat you with such disdain?
Time to wake up bozo! This is why, this is what you did when you came to the bar.....
Firstly (and really the very first thing you did irritated us) you walk in the bar, with its traditional roaring fire, with your generic office clone friends and left the door open! Because that’s the reason we light the fire so you can leave the door open, I know its Christmas but you aren’t Jesus and this isn’t a barn
You then continue to barge to the bar and start shoving notes in the face of the bar staff who obviously have to serve you because the forty people in front of you aren’t really all that thirsty after all, you bitch and moan for the entire two and a half minutes that you have to wait for me to come and serve you and then have the audacity to ask me what lagers we sell! HELLO! You’ve been standing in front of the pumps for almost three minutes you illiterate fuck! You then proceed to ask your twenty mates what they would like to drink one at a time so each time I pour a drink I have to wait whilst another one of your retarded work colleagues ask me what lager we sell, because it’s not like I just went over this with the first five of your chimp-arse friends. And don’t even get me started on the office bimbo who ordered some random cocktail then got the arse because I don’t know the ingredients to slippery rusted brain haemorrhage or some other nonsense.
Sarcastically saying “the barman knows how to do his job” when your mate gives me instructions on how to pour his Guinness then raising your eyebrows in disbelieve whilst saying HOW MUCH in the most ridiculous voice you can muster at the price of you gargantuan round (a whole 8 drinks) is likely to get you summarily executed! Obliviously you didn’t realise there was a tax on tossers this week!
Attempting to drink the entire top self or what most people describe as a couple of shots then lap dancing, falling over, starting a fight, getting off with your boss or vomiting in the urinal will result in me relishing with every available witness you dramatic fall from grace, after all whilst we don’t like twats, we do all like free entertainment! Patronising of the bar staff is to be avoided if you like your features the way they are arranged, I will throw you out for fun and if you’re really condescending I may even drag you round the back for a kicking.
So to summarise the advice I’m offering spread a little Christmas cheer by not being a twat this year, remember to say please and thank you, order Guinness first, always end every order with the statement “and one for your good self”, don’t specify you want exactly four ice cubes because I don’t care and the question would you like ice is basically a yes or no answer, don’t patronise me unless your Noam Chomsky or some other relevant intellectual, don’t complain about the price just be grateful that I served you, don’t whistle, bang, click your fingers or wave money in my face, vomit on your way home or in your bed not anywhere inside the pub that is a truly amateur mistake! And lastly end every order with the statement “and one for your good self” I put that one in twice because it’s important.
Time to wake up bozo! This is why, this is what you did when you came to the bar.....
Firstly (and really the very first thing you did irritated us) you walk in the bar, with its traditional roaring fire, with your generic office clone friends and left the door open! Because that’s the reason we light the fire so you can leave the door open, I know its Christmas but you aren’t Jesus and this isn’t a barn
You then continue to barge to the bar and start shoving notes in the face of the bar staff who obviously have to serve you because the forty people in front of you aren’t really all that thirsty after all, you bitch and moan for the entire two and a half minutes that you have to wait for me to come and serve you and then have the audacity to ask me what lagers we sell! HELLO! You’ve been standing in front of the pumps for almost three minutes you illiterate fuck! You then proceed to ask your twenty mates what they would like to drink one at a time so each time I pour a drink I have to wait whilst another one of your retarded work colleagues ask me what lager we sell, because it’s not like I just went over this with the first five of your chimp-arse friends. And don’t even get me started on the office bimbo who ordered some random cocktail then got the arse because I don’t know the ingredients to slippery rusted brain haemorrhage or some other nonsense.
Sarcastically saying “the barman knows how to do his job” when your mate gives me instructions on how to pour his Guinness then raising your eyebrows in disbelieve whilst saying HOW MUCH in the most ridiculous voice you can muster at the price of you gargantuan round (a whole 8 drinks) is likely to get you summarily executed! Obliviously you didn’t realise there was a tax on tossers this week!
Attempting to drink the entire top self or what most people describe as a couple of shots then lap dancing, falling over, starting a fight, getting off with your boss or vomiting in the urinal will result in me relishing with every available witness you dramatic fall from grace, after all whilst we don’t like twats, we do all like free entertainment! Patronising of the bar staff is to be avoided if you like your features the way they are arranged, I will throw you out for fun and if you’re really condescending I may even drag you round the back for a kicking.
So to summarise the advice I’m offering spread a little Christmas cheer by not being a twat this year, remember to say please and thank you, order Guinness first, always end every order with the statement “and one for your good self”, don’t specify you want exactly four ice cubes because I don’t care and the question would you like ice is basically a yes or no answer, don’t patronise me unless your Noam Chomsky or some other relevant intellectual, don’t complain about the price just be grateful that I served you, don’t whistle, bang, click your fingers or wave money in my face, vomit on your way home or in your bed not anywhere inside the pub that is a truly amateur mistake! And lastly end every order with the statement “and one for your good self” I put that one in twice because it’s important.
Comments
Post a Comment